Government = Deity?

Since when did the Government of these United States become akin to an almighty, omnipresent, benevolent master?

Conspiracy Theory. Another label for people who question authority. Just say the words "911 was an inside job" and watch most people's eyes glaze over as their minds close.

Is it really so impossible that people within our government or fellow Americans conspired to either orchestrate or allow 911 to happen? Since when did "Government" become our benevolent master, incapable of harming it's own citizens?

Let me see...

How about MK Ultra, an experiment carried out by the government on it's own people exposing them to horrible acts in an attempt to create zombie soldiers capable of penetrating enemy lines as spied. Do you think I'm kidding? Look it up for yourself.

What about the experiment carried out on those men in Tuskeegee where they withheld life saving penicillin and watched the men go crazy and die? Think I'm kidding? Go rent the move The Tuskeegee Experiment.

Just these two things alone make me think anything is possible.

I can't understand why we chose to go back to the days of the monarchy rather than take full advantage of our freedom. Maybe it's just easier to close our minds to the truth and watch football.

Wake up people! The government is not a benevolent God! They are a group of human beings and human beings do bad things too!

All men are created equal.

You don't even have to miss the superbowl, just take a few minutes, open Google and type in Declaration of Independence. After you read that, open Google again and type in Constitution. Then read it. Pay close attention to the part in the Declaration of Independence where it says when government has become corrupt it is the duty, THE DUTY, of the citizens to overthrow that government and put people there who have the good of the country in mind.

While you're at it, go read a little about the fall of the roman empire and the rise of the Third Reich.

Then... maybe then.. you'll start connecting the dots and wake up. I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I'm living in some alter universe. One where a pretty face is a qualification for President *cough* Sarah Palin. Eek.

If you were interviewing her for a job, any job, and were like, well.. what happened with your last job? The answer is, well, I quit so I could go on tour and speak to large groups of people. Oh yeah, I also have my own reality show, too. Yeah. That's real stick-toitiveness if you ask me. If she became president would she step down if they offered her her own show on NBC or something?

Wake up. Wake up. Wake up! Stop living your life through the celebrities you see on the TV. Ask questions. It's your right!!!

Misery

I'm convinced that most people aren't happy.

I was miserable for so long. Why? Well, I can blame it on my upbringing, I can blame whoever. Whatever. All I know is most of my childhood was spent flailing around not knowing what end was up. Confusion, rebellion, more confusion. When I got my first period I didn't know what it was. Everyone in the school knew about it because I freaked out in the locker room after PE. Much of the rest of my life went along these lines. Like a public freak. I didn't know any better than what I did, I guess. I always freaked out about things and blew up when I got mad and cried afterward... I was (and still am sometimes) an emotional ticking time bomb ready to explode at any minute.

And then what happens? I wallow in the aftermath of regret, wishing I had not said things I shouldn't have or did the things I did. I just did it at work the other day. I thought one thing and I got mad and started griping about it only to find out it was another way. I did it when I opened the door and found a constable with a letter saying my son's father had filed suit on me to alter our child support arrangement. I was scared. There is nothing more terrifying to me than losing my son. I guess #2 would be standing by watching his future waste away and not being able to do anything about it, but that has to do with #1.

Then there was that fateful day when James' dad and I were in the midst of our custody dispute when he, or should I say I let him, drive me to the point on saying that he was the devil. Great. Now I'm a crazy raving RELIGIOUS lunatic.

But I digress...

I guess the reason I get so mad is when things get beyond my control. James' dad has this girlfriend that wants to play house with James and it makes me crazy mad when I dwell on it. The thing is that until she is gone (if she goes) I can either obsess over silly things or choose to accept things the way they are. I went to therapy for like 6 months to come to this conclusion. Yay.

And at work... I get so obsessed with the way things are supposed to be in my head I get mad when things happen that I can not control.

Once my therapist asked me if I ever heard of the serenity prayer. Sure, sure I have.. yeah yeah AA and all that. When I really considered it, though, it made me realize where I have been going wrong... help me accept the things I can't change, CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN, and the WISDOM to know the DIFFERENCE.

Wow. I never thought of the change the things I can before. I was all about the things I can't change.. like a victim mentality.

What is the one thing I can not change in my situation? Well, in spite of my efforts.. my bad thoughts, ill will, reverse psychology, ranting, raving, demanding... all of this. She is still here. She MAY still be here for a long time. Maybe she'll be tolerant (heh, I'm so nice) enough to really be compatible with James' dad. Who knows. The fact is, I can not change that she is in James' life. And really, if not her, WHO? Geez, she's bad enough but at least she's decent to James. Sure, she runs her "household" like a nazi kindergarten teacher.. even making James do spelling work before school. Not his homework, but additional work. Crikes! I asked James' dad if he was in trouble or something. Oh no. She's very... enthusiastic about "teaching".

So, it's not the way I run things. We're pretty laid back. Probably too laid back. Somehow the combination of his dad and me works because James is a pretty cool kid. His dad is all uptight and I'm all relaxxxxx... One time I told James that to be in this family you have to be pretty silly. He said, "Daddy's not silly, he's serious" all sad-like.

Even though James comes home wound up tighter than a top after spending time over there, it's ok. It's ok. I accept things as they are. It's what I have to do.

Because the truth is, you are the one who makes yourself miserable.

Yes, that's right. YOU. Not your mom, dad, the media, the models on the magazines, your boss, not anyone but YOU.

When I think about how I used to live my life and how miserable I was. I was to the point where I think I had some passive death wish. I was absolutely miserable. Then I realized...

All day long I was having conversations with people in my head. I would go back and forth with the person and what I thought they were thinking or would say. Arguing with someone even though they probably weren't thinking about me at all. THEY were all content with their little lives and all the while "they" were making me miserable.

Then I learned to turn it off. The chatter in my head. Have you ever tried to sit there and not think? It's pretty hard. I am not a person who likes to sit in silence. I have to have the TV going when I'm going to bed because my mind will race with ideas all night long.. now. Before it would race with hatred for me... arguments in my head about how unfair everything was. Toxic thoughts.

Once I had the revelation to turn off the chatter things were much better.

Another voice in my head (I don't mean weird voices telling me to kill dogs and cats or anything) was the voices I heard all through my childhood. One day I was walking out of the bathroom stall when I looked at myself in the mirror and heard (or thought), "You'd be so pretty if you'd lose 50 pounds". Hold up! That's Dad's voice, not mine! Is that what Denise thinks or what Dad thinks?

Maybe it would be helpful to share part of my "awakening" experience.

One night when I was "dating" some asshole we were laying in the dark on the floor of his new apartment. It was very quiet and he was sleeping. No television or anything was playing so I was left with my own thoughts.

I envisioned a judge in my head. A judge who sat there and listened to my arguments for what I thought of myself. Everything I had been programmed with the judge considered and either kept or threw away. Laying there on that floor I sifted through the vast wasteland that was my mind and started down a long path which I sill plow down to this day. The woman he was involved with before me showed up in the middle of the night and they went into the other bedroom to talk and I thought, "I do not belong here!" and I left. You can't know how pivotal this was in my life. I have sat and taken shit from men all my life. Just put up with bullshit I should have never, never would now, put up with. I left.

When I got to my truck everything started coming out like a torrent. I cried, beat the steering wheel and screamed and everything that I had been holding in for years came rushing out in a torrent of tears. I had gotten to the point in my life where all the abuse I had brought upon myself and all the bad, toxic thinking had made me numb to anything except pain. I would laugh but I was not happy. It hurt to be me.

Then a flood of information flowed and I realized a lot of truth that some people would probably call New Age BS but, whatever. I won't go into it all here, that's another story. I spent a lot of time writing and forgiving. Having conversations with myself I guess.

The one person I could not forgive was myself. I still wrestle with that one.

When I realized that a lot of the things that happened to me... tragic as they were.. happened to this little girl. I can sit here and imagine me as a little 13 year old girl. I was so young. Just a child. I thought I was so mature. I thought I was so tough. I was so confused. I had no one to guide me through such a turbulent time for a young girl and I got lost. Lost in the woods and so I built a fort around myself and there I was.

Did this night change my life? Yes. It was only a start. It has been a series of stops and starts since then. Every time I feel like I have made progress I fall back a few yards but I get up and brush myself off and move on. I have to.

You know, Reba has that song, "I'm a survivor". But aren't we all? The ones who gave up are dead. What other choice is there but to go on? Especially after my son was born.

Sometimes you need a reason to live before you can start living for yourself I guess. My goals in life are simple. 1. To raise a son who is generous, kind, considerate, strong. A real man, not some fucktard asshole like the majority of men out there. A man who treats all people with kindness and is tough enough to do the right thing. I think I'm on the right track. 2. To raise a son free of the chains that bind so many of us. It took me a long time to get through to the other side.. I'm STILL on that track. I will not hinder him with the chains of what I think or what others think of him. I will never tell him he can't do something because nothing is impossible, I don't care what naysayers think. I will not tell him he's stupid because you're as smart as you believe you are. I will tell him the truth as I see it. 3. To always better myself. To always do something better.. to do better than yesterday.. to do better than last year... to do better.. and to do the RIGHT thing.

I can not believe how much I have learned about myself. I think somewhere along the way I left the girl I was in the dust and became something else. I reach across time to become her again. To become the little girl I lost. I didn't know anything about myself. That's amazing to me.

When I was first in college there was an assignment to write about who you are. That was really hard for me because I had no idea who I was or what I liked to do. All I ever did was drink beer and do things to go against my true self. In the last few years I have found out so much about myself, it's so exciting.

I like talk radio. Who knew? My dad used to listen to talk radio. When I started dating my ex-boyfriend I didn't know what NPR was. He was so smart. A certified Genius. I would sit and listen to him talk about things such as Buckminster Fuller, the whole of WWII, his life in Mexico City, the theory of relativity. I learned a lot from him. It's too bad I was so immature to appreciate him when I could.

Tolerance. I believe people should be left to practice what they wish as long as their practice doesn't hurt or interfere with another person's right to practice what they believe. This is why I believe in the constitution. Not as some holy document written by Gods but a basis. A layout. A guideline. A dynamic set of rules we, as a society, are supposed to agree on. The one thing in all of America we are all supposed to agree on. Hrmm....

I guess you'd call me a constitutionalist, though I really hate to label things. I believe if we as a society agree on a set of rules as our laws then we need to behave accordingly. If we all agree to become communists then yay, let's do. But we haven't, so let's not act like it. Let's not all act like we believe in freedom and liberty if we don't.

Which is why I don't see WHY people who say their American and patriotic and support the Constitution and wave their flags high and proud.. then turn around and claim "the founding fathers were Christian!" Maybe the majority were, but they specifically stated that church and state are NOT to be confused.. they are to be separate. The same people who wrap themselves in the flag and yell about how great America is are the ones who declare marriage to only be valid if between a man and woman. Again with the church and state issues. Sheesh. The same people.. scream about abortion being legal and want to tell, nay, FORCE women to have babies whatever the circumstance. The same people who embrace "freedom" and put their hands over their heart and pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands one nation under God indivisible with LIBERTY and JUSTICE FOR ALL. All. Not some. Not just Christians and not Muslims. Not just hetero and not homo, not just white and not black... ALL. The same people who get teary eyed when they visit Ellis Island or the Statue of Liberty because of the sacrifice their ancestors made to come to this country and then turn around and scream about how the "Mexicans" are taking our jobs and how we should round them up like cattle and ship 'em back to their country because they don't belong here... WHAT??? Give me your tired, your poor.. as long as they are white? Is that how it goes? hrm....

Seriously, we could all use a refresher course in the constitution.

I am pro-choice, though I chose not to. I figured if God saw it fit to put me with a child then there is a reason. When I was pregnant with James I was pretty much destitute. I didn't have a good job, his dad had just moved to Texas to be with me and we had not even known each other barely six months.. most of that relationship was over the phone! I must have been crazy. My dad told me to abort him and I could not believe what I was hearing because there was no excuse. I was 28 years old, able bodied and smart enough to raise a child. So I am and I'm doing things now I never thought possible.. such as having a job for almost three years straight and living in the same place for four years, something I haven't done since I left home my junior year! I am proud, but there is so much more to do. That being said, I do not think any government has the right to tell a woman what to do with her body. Period. Someone on a radio show I was listening to the other day said something like "notice how the ones trying to make the pro-life laws are men"? Yes, men have a lot to say about what we should do with our bodies.. What Governor Good Hair, you want to inject my little girl with WHAT?

I am a problem solver. I learned this at work. I guess most people call it creative. If there is a way I can improve something I think of new ways to do it. I think if I could focus on something long enough I could be a really good inventor. Ask people about my pen caddy thingie I made out of a spice rack I found at a garage sale. I have to use a sharpie a lot and I got tired of having to take the cap off all the time. So I got this metal rack about 1 inch wide and maybe 10 inches long, pretty slim because that also solved the problem of my tools laying everywhere. So I taped the cap of the sharpie to the rack where I can put my wrist on it and remove the Sharpie. Kind of like the old feather and ink well or the office sets where the pens sit in a little cap. You know those things that feed your pet while your gone, the ones you pour the food in the top and have a bowl on the bottom? I invented those in the 5th grade for a science project except I didn't persue it... omg. Think of the money I could have made!!! I called it the Kitty Feeder. My fortune cookie said, You would prosper in the field of wacky inventions.

I probably got it from my dad. He altered many, many, many things to suit his needs. LOL

I think of things at all different levels. I could have been a good lawyer and would have been good at debate. I'm good at thinking outside the box.

I'm fair. I listen to all points of views. This explains why I listen to "progressive" talk radio and Alex Jones, and then to "conservative" talk (though the guys they have in Dallas make me want to scream!!)

I have great empathy. I can put myself into other's shoes to figure out why they do the things they do.

Cats are funny. Do I want another cat as a pet? No fucking way. They shit in the house and don't flush. Ew.

Goats are funny. They just are.

I've outgrown sick immature 18 year old boy comedy. That's ok. So has Jack Black and Adam Sandler. Come on. Do you think Adam Sandler does his stand up about jerking off to his children? Doubt it. You notice how many kid's movies they make now. It's what is SUPPOSE to happen to us when we have children and grow up. Deal.

I really am not up on all the new bands. I used to be cool, and now I'm not. Oh well.

I want to get married and do family stuff but most women freak me out. With their overblown need to sanitize everything and their interest in cooking.

Church people freak me out. They want to convert you and stuff. I could never see how me saying I accept Jesus as my savior will get me past the red velvet rope at the pearly gates. I have a feeling there is more involved.

I see through most things. I have a knack for seeing people's motivation. Has this knack steered me away from weird people?

Hell no. Weird people are interesting. If we were all the same the world would be very boring.

I hate cookie cutter houses. I think if you buy a house you should be able to do with it what you please. I don't get home owner's associations... but I heard something about "real estate" vs. mineral rights that I haven't researched yet.

I desperately wish I understood mathematics and physics. My brain does not want to bend that way, though. Frustrating.

What I love about Albert Einstein and Carl Jung and Thomas Alva Edison... their teachers thought they were stupid and lazy. Maybe it wasn't me who was stupid and/or lazy. When I am interested in something I will work endlessly and tirelessly at it.

I'm a perfectionist. This is hard to grasp as you see my life. From the outside it looks chaotic, but I know where everything is. Unless James is home, then I have a lot less control over where I left things.

I have a great sense of direction. I love reading maps. I can sit and stare at maps all day. I would rather drive than fly. The best things happen somewhere in between. I am not afraid to take an alternate route. If I get lost I will stop and buy a map.

I have a photographic memory, which contributes to my great sense of direction. If I wonder where something is I can picture the place in my head.

If you are trying to teach me something don't do it unless I can do it. I can not sit in a class about a computer program and expect to retain any knowledge unless I do it myself.

Ok.

I guess this proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that I have learned a LOT about myself. That's so great considering 10 years ago I couldn't have listed a thing. Trust me. I tried.

So. I am not sure what this blog was about, but here it is. I hope someone got something out of it.... Peace!

The Difference Between Terrorism and Gangs

I have been watching the events unfold down on Falcon Lake. A lady and her husband decided to cross the border into the Mexican side of the lake to take pictures of the partially submurged (ok I can't freaking spell it, who cares) church in the abandoned city of Old Guerrero. Can't say I blame the guy for wanting to go photograph that church. If I'm not mistaken, it is at a mission site I had wanted to go photograph myself, but no! I am too esscared for that.

So they went across, took pictures and were on their way back when three boats of pirates starting shooting at them. The man was shot. The lady turns back, tries to get her husband on her jet ski but wasn't able so she leaves him behind and zooms off through the line of pirates. According to the witness she came flying around a bend, frantic to get back to the US and to safety.

We all *should* know that this is not the first act of violence at the border and will not be the last. What I keep wondering is, what is the difference in "Gangs" and "terrorists"? It seems to me like the groups are pretty similar to our friends in the middle east, right? Wasn't it a few months ago the city hall in El Paso was shot at from the other side of the border. These are just a few that I know of.

The San Antonio Express-News had an article in it the other day about how Ciudad Acuna (on the other side of Del Rio) is suffering because no one wants to go across the border anymore. Gone are the days of shopping and drinking pina coladas while walking around the mercado. The bar that once had Antonio Banderas strutting across it while playing the gutarrrrrrrrista in Desperado is now empty.

So what IS the difference in Gang Violence and Terrorism?

Could it be the government does not want to upset the delicate equilibrium we know as NAFTA? Could it be they just don't give a damn? Lord knows Perry has tried to speak to the president a couple of times about the border problem but to no avail. I'm not one to start dogging the "liberals" (whatever that is anymore), but this is starting to piss me off. Americans are being terrorized and the government is doing little to stop it.

How about holding the Mexican government accountable for not doing anything to stop the violence? How about some sanctions similar to the ones we impose on the middle east? Do we not want to pay more for our goods that are made by the corporations relocated to mexico for cheaper wages?

And I will say again, instead of hating the illegals that are here and complaining about them taking our jobs, how about we stop contributing to their delinquency? How about holding their government accountable? If you were the one living in Mexico, wouldn't you do anything and everything you can to get you and your family out of that messed up country? Is that not what our ancestors did? Is this not the promised land?

My Quick Letter to CNN

I was watching your coverage of the memorial service at Ground Zero Today. I found the service to be very moving and was listening to the family members read about their families when you guys interrupt with your own commentary. Do you think that we are too stupid to comprehend what is going on? It seems to me that over and over you interrupt what is actually news to comment on what is going on, as if you have to explain it to your audience. Normally it's annoying, today I find it blatantly disrespectful to the families of the 9/11 tragedy and to your viewers. It's so sad that the news today is all commentary and no actual news. Just point the camera, shoot, and let us decide. You did the same thing with the first lady speeches in PA, although Former First Lady Laura Bush was not interrupted, but current First Lady Michelle Obama was. How convenient.

It is very arrogant and narcissistic to think that we should listen to what your talking heads have to say rather than what the actual person who is the news is saying. It is very annoying. Not only did you dedicate your Headline News channel to vain entertainment news, you don't actually cover news at all. You just direct public opinion.

What happened to real Journalism???

What Would Jesus Do?

Hello there. I haven't written in this thing in a long time. At first I intended it to be a place to share photography stuff. Now I think I'm switching gears. It's been a long time coming. Let me give you a little background.

When I was younger, I felt like I had a duty to light the way to justice. I'm not sure if it's my Libra nature, I'm not even sure if I believe in a Libra Nature. All I know is that once I had strong opinions about things and just try to get me to shut up. When I was a sophomore in high school I joined the school newspaper where I found an outlet for some of my opinions. Sure, they were juvenile, but I was only a juvenile so what are you going to do? The weight of life started dragging me down to the place where my voice, my "Niecy" or "'lil D" as I like to call my inner child, was hiding somewhere deep inside. Somewhere along the way I got shoved down so far inside me I was hiding for fear I would be discovered. As if I didn't matter at all.

Now I realize I do. My Lil D has been trying to come out for a long time. With therapy, self discovery and many of life's trials and tribulations I have come to the point where I am stepping out into the unknown. I am slowly ripping off my protective armor and exposing my tender heart to the world.

I have declared my independence. To who and from whom are two different matters, but I'll delve into that later. I have thrown the stone away and it's time to step into the light.

So. I thought I would entitle this first blog, What Would Jesus Do?

This is a thought isn't it? I am of the belief that many of us do not know what Jesus would do. I am coming to believe that many of us professed Christians do not even KNOW what Jesus really said or did or stood for. Many of us do our time in church on Sunday as if we're racking up points with the Big Guy for when we're standing outside the Pearly Gates of Heaven. I hate to break this to you, but if you READ the BIBLE it says that Jesus himself said that you do not earn your way into Heaven.

I believe that religion is used to medicate the masses and to dumb us down to do other people's bidding. Next time you're in church flipping from book to book, trying to keep up with the preacher, ask yourself why you're flipping from book to book. Why don't we ever just focus on one book of the Bible? WHY is it that people take one sentence from one book then tell us to flip over to another book, find another sentence, then flip to another book... and so on? Have you ever heard of the phrase, taken out of context? I'm sure if I really tried I would script any message I want out of the Bible by removing sentences one at a time and putting them together to form my own paragraph. Convenient.

When someone hurts us, our President tells us they're EVIL. What do we know, but men are good AND evil, that we ALL have sin in our hearts. So, then how can we just throw up our hands and label one person or group as EVIL. Those EVIL Homosexuals, those EVIL terrorists, those EVIL pro-lifers.. I could go on and on.

What I'm saying now is let us journey into what Jesus REALLY said. Let us read all of the paragraphs. Let us LIVE by His word. Let us actually DO and LIVE the things he tells us to do, instead of going to church and hoping he'll take away all our sins as if *poof* by magic.

It's not that way, people. You have to work it. You have to live it. You have to be it. You have to heed his words, not just go to church and proclaim yourselves saved. You got saved. Good. Now what? Now what are you going to do?

Texas Impressions

Welcome to Texas Impressions! This is my site mostly dedicated to photography, mostly dedicated to Texas Photography. I have an ongoing project which is to photograph all of the Spanish Missions sites in Texas. Someday I hope to write a book about them. For now I will just post some pictures here.

The picture above is the church at Presido La Bahia, the Mother of all Texas Missions. It was in this church that 300 plus men were held captive by Santa Anna's orders shortly after the fall of the Alamo. Can you imagine what it must have felt like? 300 men in this small church.

After they were held there for a week they were marched out onto a couple of roads and executed at point blank range. A few doctors and other men deemed helpful by the Mexican army were kept as prisoners.

This is the church at Mission Espiritu Santo a couple of miles upstream of La Bahia on The San Antonio River. It's very beautiful. I will post more pictures of this mission later.
This was my favorite mission trip. This is Presidio San Saba in Menard, TX. This mission site is now on a Golf Course. The 9th hole is right behind the castle looking thing. This mission was established to take in the Apaches and Comanches in the Northwestern part of the Spanish Territory. The Spanish Government wanted to establish points on the Camino Real to protect Spanish interests in the new world. Unfortunatly, the indians in this area used each other to provoke a raid and massacred a Spanish Priest. The story is actually very interesting and, again, I'll post more later.

San Jose also one of my favorite missions. It's one of the most complete mission sites, but it has undergone a lot of restoration (of course.. you can't have a bldg built in the 1770's and have it still in tact). It's one that we used to go to for school trips a lot and I have always had a fondness for it in my heart.

By the way, in the original picture there were people all over and I zapped 'em out with the Photoshop. Yay me.

Well, that's all for now. Thanks for stopping by.

Denise