Misery

I'm convinced that most people aren't happy.

I was miserable for so long. Why? Well, I can blame it on my upbringing, I can blame whoever. Whatever. All I know is most of my childhood was spent flailing around not knowing what end was up. Confusion, rebellion, more confusion. When I got my first period I didn't know what it was. Everyone in the school knew about it because I freaked out in the locker room after PE. Much of the rest of my life went along these lines. Like a public freak. I didn't know any better than what I did, I guess. I always freaked out about things and blew up when I got mad and cried afterward... I was (and still am sometimes) an emotional ticking time bomb ready to explode at any minute.

And then what happens? I wallow in the aftermath of regret, wishing I had not said things I shouldn't have or did the things I did. I just did it at work the other day. I thought one thing and I got mad and started griping about it only to find out it was another way. I did it when I opened the door and found a constable with a letter saying my son's father had filed suit on me to alter our child support arrangement. I was scared. There is nothing more terrifying to me than losing my son. I guess #2 would be standing by watching his future waste away and not being able to do anything about it, but that has to do with #1.

Then there was that fateful day when James' dad and I were in the midst of our custody dispute when he, or should I say I let him, drive me to the point on saying that he was the devil. Great. Now I'm a crazy raving RELIGIOUS lunatic.

But I digress...

I guess the reason I get so mad is when things get beyond my control. James' dad has this girlfriend that wants to play house with James and it makes me crazy mad when I dwell on it. The thing is that until she is gone (if she goes) I can either obsess over silly things or choose to accept things the way they are. I went to therapy for like 6 months to come to this conclusion. Yay.

And at work... I get so obsessed with the way things are supposed to be in my head I get mad when things happen that I can not control.

Once my therapist asked me if I ever heard of the serenity prayer. Sure, sure I have.. yeah yeah AA and all that. When I really considered it, though, it made me realize where I have been going wrong... help me accept the things I can't change, CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN, and the WISDOM to know the DIFFERENCE.

Wow. I never thought of the change the things I can before. I was all about the things I can't change.. like a victim mentality.

What is the one thing I can not change in my situation? Well, in spite of my efforts.. my bad thoughts, ill will, reverse psychology, ranting, raving, demanding... all of this. She is still here. She MAY still be here for a long time. Maybe she'll be tolerant (heh, I'm so nice) enough to really be compatible with James' dad. Who knows. The fact is, I can not change that she is in James' life. And really, if not her, WHO? Geez, she's bad enough but at least she's decent to James. Sure, she runs her "household" like a nazi kindergarten teacher.. even making James do spelling work before school. Not his homework, but additional work. Crikes! I asked James' dad if he was in trouble or something. Oh no. She's very... enthusiastic about "teaching".

So, it's not the way I run things. We're pretty laid back. Probably too laid back. Somehow the combination of his dad and me works because James is a pretty cool kid. His dad is all uptight and I'm all relaxxxxx... One time I told James that to be in this family you have to be pretty silly. He said, "Daddy's not silly, he's serious" all sad-like.

Even though James comes home wound up tighter than a top after spending time over there, it's ok. It's ok. I accept things as they are. It's what I have to do.

Because the truth is, you are the one who makes yourself miserable.

Yes, that's right. YOU. Not your mom, dad, the media, the models on the magazines, your boss, not anyone but YOU.

When I think about how I used to live my life and how miserable I was. I was to the point where I think I had some passive death wish. I was absolutely miserable. Then I realized...

All day long I was having conversations with people in my head. I would go back and forth with the person and what I thought they were thinking or would say. Arguing with someone even though they probably weren't thinking about me at all. THEY were all content with their little lives and all the while "they" were making me miserable.

Then I learned to turn it off. The chatter in my head. Have you ever tried to sit there and not think? It's pretty hard. I am not a person who likes to sit in silence. I have to have the TV going when I'm going to bed because my mind will race with ideas all night long.. now. Before it would race with hatred for me... arguments in my head about how unfair everything was. Toxic thoughts.

Once I had the revelation to turn off the chatter things were much better.

Another voice in my head (I don't mean weird voices telling me to kill dogs and cats or anything) was the voices I heard all through my childhood. One day I was walking out of the bathroom stall when I looked at myself in the mirror and heard (or thought), "You'd be so pretty if you'd lose 50 pounds". Hold up! That's Dad's voice, not mine! Is that what Denise thinks or what Dad thinks?

Maybe it would be helpful to share part of my "awakening" experience.

One night when I was "dating" some asshole we were laying in the dark on the floor of his new apartment. It was very quiet and he was sleeping. No television or anything was playing so I was left with my own thoughts.

I envisioned a judge in my head. A judge who sat there and listened to my arguments for what I thought of myself. Everything I had been programmed with the judge considered and either kept or threw away. Laying there on that floor I sifted through the vast wasteland that was my mind and started down a long path which I sill plow down to this day. The woman he was involved with before me showed up in the middle of the night and they went into the other bedroom to talk and I thought, "I do not belong here!" and I left. You can't know how pivotal this was in my life. I have sat and taken shit from men all my life. Just put up with bullshit I should have never, never would now, put up with. I left.

When I got to my truck everything started coming out like a torrent. I cried, beat the steering wheel and screamed and everything that I had been holding in for years came rushing out in a torrent of tears. I had gotten to the point in my life where all the abuse I had brought upon myself and all the bad, toxic thinking had made me numb to anything except pain. I would laugh but I was not happy. It hurt to be me.

Then a flood of information flowed and I realized a lot of truth that some people would probably call New Age BS but, whatever. I won't go into it all here, that's another story. I spent a lot of time writing and forgiving. Having conversations with myself I guess.

The one person I could not forgive was myself. I still wrestle with that one.

When I realized that a lot of the things that happened to me... tragic as they were.. happened to this little girl. I can sit here and imagine me as a little 13 year old girl. I was so young. Just a child. I thought I was so mature. I thought I was so tough. I was so confused. I had no one to guide me through such a turbulent time for a young girl and I got lost. Lost in the woods and so I built a fort around myself and there I was.

Did this night change my life? Yes. It was only a start. It has been a series of stops and starts since then. Every time I feel like I have made progress I fall back a few yards but I get up and brush myself off and move on. I have to.

You know, Reba has that song, "I'm a survivor". But aren't we all? The ones who gave up are dead. What other choice is there but to go on? Especially after my son was born.

Sometimes you need a reason to live before you can start living for yourself I guess. My goals in life are simple. 1. To raise a son who is generous, kind, considerate, strong. A real man, not some fucktard asshole like the majority of men out there. A man who treats all people with kindness and is tough enough to do the right thing. I think I'm on the right track. 2. To raise a son free of the chains that bind so many of us. It took me a long time to get through to the other side.. I'm STILL on that track. I will not hinder him with the chains of what I think or what others think of him. I will never tell him he can't do something because nothing is impossible, I don't care what naysayers think. I will not tell him he's stupid because you're as smart as you believe you are. I will tell him the truth as I see it. 3. To always better myself. To always do something better.. to do better than yesterday.. to do better than last year... to do better.. and to do the RIGHT thing.

I can not believe how much I have learned about myself. I think somewhere along the way I left the girl I was in the dust and became something else. I reach across time to become her again. To become the little girl I lost. I didn't know anything about myself. That's amazing to me.

When I was first in college there was an assignment to write about who you are. That was really hard for me because I had no idea who I was or what I liked to do. All I ever did was drink beer and do things to go against my true self. In the last few years I have found out so much about myself, it's so exciting.

I like talk radio. Who knew? My dad used to listen to talk radio. When I started dating my ex-boyfriend I didn't know what NPR was. He was so smart. A certified Genius. I would sit and listen to him talk about things such as Buckminster Fuller, the whole of WWII, his life in Mexico City, the theory of relativity. I learned a lot from him. It's too bad I was so immature to appreciate him when I could.

Tolerance. I believe people should be left to practice what they wish as long as their practice doesn't hurt or interfere with another person's right to practice what they believe. This is why I believe in the constitution. Not as some holy document written by Gods but a basis. A layout. A guideline. A dynamic set of rules we, as a society, are supposed to agree on. The one thing in all of America we are all supposed to agree on. Hrmm....

I guess you'd call me a constitutionalist, though I really hate to label things. I believe if we as a society agree on a set of rules as our laws then we need to behave accordingly. If we all agree to become communists then yay, let's do. But we haven't, so let's not act like it. Let's not all act like we believe in freedom and liberty if we don't.

Which is why I don't see WHY people who say their American and patriotic and support the Constitution and wave their flags high and proud.. then turn around and claim "the founding fathers were Christian!" Maybe the majority were, but they specifically stated that church and state are NOT to be confused.. they are to be separate. The same people who wrap themselves in the flag and yell about how great America is are the ones who declare marriage to only be valid if between a man and woman. Again with the church and state issues. Sheesh. The same people.. scream about abortion being legal and want to tell, nay, FORCE women to have babies whatever the circumstance. The same people who embrace "freedom" and put their hands over their heart and pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands one nation under God indivisible with LIBERTY and JUSTICE FOR ALL. All. Not some. Not just Christians and not Muslims. Not just hetero and not homo, not just white and not black... ALL. The same people who get teary eyed when they visit Ellis Island or the Statue of Liberty because of the sacrifice their ancestors made to come to this country and then turn around and scream about how the "Mexicans" are taking our jobs and how we should round them up like cattle and ship 'em back to their country because they don't belong here... WHAT??? Give me your tired, your poor.. as long as they are white? Is that how it goes? hrm....

Seriously, we could all use a refresher course in the constitution.

I am pro-choice, though I chose not to. I figured if God saw it fit to put me with a child then there is a reason. When I was pregnant with James I was pretty much destitute. I didn't have a good job, his dad had just moved to Texas to be with me and we had not even known each other barely six months.. most of that relationship was over the phone! I must have been crazy. My dad told me to abort him and I could not believe what I was hearing because there was no excuse. I was 28 years old, able bodied and smart enough to raise a child. So I am and I'm doing things now I never thought possible.. such as having a job for almost three years straight and living in the same place for four years, something I haven't done since I left home my junior year! I am proud, but there is so much more to do. That being said, I do not think any government has the right to tell a woman what to do with her body. Period. Someone on a radio show I was listening to the other day said something like "notice how the ones trying to make the pro-life laws are men"? Yes, men have a lot to say about what we should do with our bodies.. What Governor Good Hair, you want to inject my little girl with WHAT?

I am a problem solver. I learned this at work. I guess most people call it creative. If there is a way I can improve something I think of new ways to do it. I think if I could focus on something long enough I could be a really good inventor. Ask people about my pen caddy thingie I made out of a spice rack I found at a garage sale. I have to use a sharpie a lot and I got tired of having to take the cap off all the time. So I got this metal rack about 1 inch wide and maybe 10 inches long, pretty slim because that also solved the problem of my tools laying everywhere. So I taped the cap of the sharpie to the rack where I can put my wrist on it and remove the Sharpie. Kind of like the old feather and ink well or the office sets where the pens sit in a little cap. You know those things that feed your pet while your gone, the ones you pour the food in the top and have a bowl on the bottom? I invented those in the 5th grade for a science project except I didn't persue it... omg. Think of the money I could have made!!! I called it the Kitty Feeder. My fortune cookie said, You would prosper in the field of wacky inventions.

I probably got it from my dad. He altered many, many, many things to suit his needs. LOL

I think of things at all different levels. I could have been a good lawyer and would have been good at debate. I'm good at thinking outside the box.

I'm fair. I listen to all points of views. This explains why I listen to "progressive" talk radio and Alex Jones, and then to "conservative" talk (though the guys they have in Dallas make me want to scream!!)

I have great empathy. I can put myself into other's shoes to figure out why they do the things they do.

Cats are funny. Do I want another cat as a pet? No fucking way. They shit in the house and don't flush. Ew.

Goats are funny. They just are.

I've outgrown sick immature 18 year old boy comedy. That's ok. So has Jack Black and Adam Sandler. Come on. Do you think Adam Sandler does his stand up about jerking off to his children? Doubt it. You notice how many kid's movies they make now. It's what is SUPPOSE to happen to us when we have children and grow up. Deal.

I really am not up on all the new bands. I used to be cool, and now I'm not. Oh well.

I want to get married and do family stuff but most women freak me out. With their overblown need to sanitize everything and their interest in cooking.

Church people freak me out. They want to convert you and stuff. I could never see how me saying I accept Jesus as my savior will get me past the red velvet rope at the pearly gates. I have a feeling there is more involved.

I see through most things. I have a knack for seeing people's motivation. Has this knack steered me away from weird people?

Hell no. Weird people are interesting. If we were all the same the world would be very boring.

I hate cookie cutter houses. I think if you buy a house you should be able to do with it what you please. I don't get home owner's associations... but I heard something about "real estate" vs. mineral rights that I haven't researched yet.

I desperately wish I understood mathematics and physics. My brain does not want to bend that way, though. Frustrating.

What I love about Albert Einstein and Carl Jung and Thomas Alva Edison... their teachers thought they were stupid and lazy. Maybe it wasn't me who was stupid and/or lazy. When I am interested in something I will work endlessly and tirelessly at it.

I'm a perfectionist. This is hard to grasp as you see my life. From the outside it looks chaotic, but I know where everything is. Unless James is home, then I have a lot less control over where I left things.

I have a great sense of direction. I love reading maps. I can sit and stare at maps all day. I would rather drive than fly. The best things happen somewhere in between. I am not afraid to take an alternate route. If I get lost I will stop and buy a map.

I have a photographic memory, which contributes to my great sense of direction. If I wonder where something is I can picture the place in my head.

If you are trying to teach me something don't do it unless I can do it. I can not sit in a class about a computer program and expect to retain any knowledge unless I do it myself.

Ok.

I guess this proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that I have learned a LOT about myself. That's so great considering 10 years ago I couldn't have listed a thing. Trust me. I tried.

So. I am not sure what this blog was about, but here it is. I hope someone got something out of it.... Peace!